Conflict is an integral part of being human. For school business leaders charged with interacting with teams from many business disciplines and various backgrounds, that means the need for difficult – and even high-stakes – conversations arises regularly.

Whether the situation is a superintendent caught in the middle of a collective bargaining battle, an employee who needs to change their behavior or a principal dealing with upset parents, some conversations are bound to be uncomfortable. Left to fester, hurt feelings or misunderstood intentions become bigger and can spread ill will among employees, co-workers or community members.

The good news is that, with intention and practice, embracing the discomfort can make us better at handling difficult conversations. At La Mesa-Spring Valley Schools, the ethos of embracing conflict comes from the top.

When Tina Douglas became assistant superintendent of business services at La Mesa-Spring Valley Schools she was tasked with a tough assignment. The district had a campus security program that allowed a long-time employee to live in a mobile home on campus. The district received a large Community Schools Grant and needed the site as a Community Schools resource center. Unfortunately, this meant the employee would need to find a new place to live. Douglas faced the sad task of letting the employee know.

When Douglas called him into the office to tell him, she wasn’t sure how to say it. The employee reminded her of the motto often cited by district Superintendent David Feliciano: Clear is kind, unclear is unkind. She took a deep breath and said what she needed to say, compassionately, but clearly. In the end, while difficult to digest after living on campus for 24 years, the employee appreciated her honesty and directness.

“I love when I hear people say they aren’t sure how to word something because it means they want to be honest about something difficult,” says Feliciano. “I’d err on the side of just saying it, even if it hits hard, then we can unpack it. If we are going to get better as an organization, as a person, as a team, we have to be constantly open with each other.”

Getting comfortable with the discomfort of difficult conversations is important for organizational success. Practicing three steps can help you get there: normalize conflict, prepare yourself, and practice inquiry and empathy.

Normalize Conflict

Conflict is an unavoidable part of the human experience. Many people believe that conflict is inevitably negative and that discussing contentious issues only makes things worse. Many of us want to make a tough conversation easier on ourselves and the other person.

“Ultimately, that is not a very people-centered approach, Feliciano says. “The aim is that we are clear about what our concerns and critiques are.”

Feliciano attributes his “Clear is kind” motto to leadership author Brene Brown. Those comfortable with conflict understand how to listen to each other and talk about their differences. They see conflict as an opportunity to improve through collaboration.

Douglas’ first cabinet meeting in La Mesa-Spring Valley seemed normal. People expressed differing opinions without getting angry. At the second cabinet meeting, Feliciano wanted to revisit the prior meeting’s conversation and apologize for how he pushed back against differing opinions.

Douglas felt like she had landed on another planet. The fact that Feliciano wanted to revisit areas of conflict rather than ignore them differed from how things were handled in her previous work experience.

“He embraced conflict and said we need to make sure we all bring all our voices to the table,” she says. “Conflict is the way you can actually get to a better outcome. When I came here, I saw that David demonstrates that conflict is healthy and positive.”

Feliciano uses several strategies to infuse this ethos throughout the district. It starts with being strategic about who is being hired. Feliciano looks for people who are hungry, humble, smart and have heart.

“We can teach the technical, we are really looking for these key traits in the organization. Everyone knows clear is kind.”

He also leads by example, debriefing any public meeting or presentation with the cabinet, discussing what went well and what could have been better.

As a cabinet, they also assess personality types and discuss how each person processes conflict and feedback. Feliciano and Douglas have opposite personalities, but that doesn’t keep them from trusting each other.

“If there’s anything that either of us does that rubs us the wrong way, we bring it to each other,” says Feliciano. “We are committed to saying those things. You don’t want people talking about you, but to you.”

Finally, leadership teams and unions read books together and then discuss them, so they can grow their understanding of the ways conflict can keep the organization growing.

Feliciano started his career in district IT. There, he heard site- and district-level staff complain about each other. He brings that experience to La Mesa-Spring Valley where they practice intrastate bargaining. Both parties emphasize that they are there for the same purpose and approach with an open mind, assuming positive intent on both sides. La Mesa-Spring Valley uses a facilitator who holds each team accountable for those values.

At the end of each session, they debrief together. This is often the most difficult conversation of the day. It offers an opportunity for clarification and repair – a place to clear up misconceptions or feelings that were hurt when the conversation got heated.

“The work we do in schools is the most heart-oriented work there is,” says Feliciano. “Yet, sometimes, we act like it’s a corporate environment. In an elementary school district like ours, our work with each other should be a reflection of our work with students.”

Prepare Yourself

Tim Stowe, Ed.D., superintendent of the Torrance Unified School District, learned his first lesson in difficult conversations while serving as an assistant principal early in his career. He often had to meet with parents who were upset about a discipline issue. He would listen and try to say all the right things. But, often, the parents would still go to the principal.

The principal listened, said the same things Stowe had, and the parents walked away satisfied. The principal reminded him that it wasn’t that he hadn’t said the right things, but that the parents just needed someone else to listen to what had happened.

Rule No. 1 for Stowe is to be ready to listen. He also prepares for tough conversations by doing a little research, like reviewing the history of the situation. What has happened along the way to get to this point? He reviews the education code, collective bargaining agreement and whatever legal principles that might be applicable.

By doing his research, Stowe ensures he understands the main point of contention or primary goal of the conversation. He’s also prepared with relevant information and able to respond to potential reactions. And when he does sit down with for a tough conversation, he always chooses a time and place that ensures privacy.

For Feliciano, a 5-minute mindfulness meditation allows his emotions and the voice in his head to die down.

“When I practice like that, it’s a reminder that the ongoing narrative that is circling in my head and the feelings of stress are not what I want to have happen,” he says. “I don’t want to have a lot of anxiety or feel insecure that someone will be mad at me. That is a physical conditioned thing that happens to all of us. The best way to break out of it is to be intentional about your thoughts for a short period of time.”

Douglas recommends establishing common ground, core values or identifying where the interests of the two parties align. In addition, understand the consequences of the conversation. What does a successful outcome look like?

Above all, prepare yourself to be honest and frank. Doing so will build trust over time. As a principal, Stowe had many meetings with parents whose students had to be suspended. He always knew he had done a good job if the student and parent were able to shake his hand and thank him at the end of the meeting.

“If you can smile and have a laugh about something, you’ve built a connection and trust. Trust is one of my pillars,” says Stowe. “It’s important that people know you care about the work and that, regardless of the issues, you care about them, the students and the outcome.”

Practice Inquiry and Empathy

Preparation is not always possible. Sometimes difficult conversations arise out of nowhere. Douglas once had an employee who had been written up on a disciplinary matter reach out to her. The employee was hoping Douglas would keep the matter out of his employee file.

Douglas was caught by surprise, but didn’t immediately say no. Neither did she make any false promises. She took a deep breath and listened to his case, so he felt heard. In the end, she reminded him that she could not go above his manager since she was not his day-to-day supervisor.

“If I feel myself getting agitated, I ask for a minute to reframe that in my head,” says Douglas. “If the other person is getting agitated, I ask for a minute to just breathe and suggest we move on to that topic later. The biggest thing is to listen, allowing space where there needs to be space.”

Other tips include:
• Pausing before responding to avoid a knee-jerk reaction.
• Acknowledging your surprise at new information.
• Asking clarifying questions to understand the other person’s perspective.
• Practicing active listening by repeating your understanding of what the other person said.
• Using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
• Seeking follow-up when needed. Keeping your voice and body language calm.

It’s good to keep some of these conversational tools in your back pocket for unexpected conversations or meetings that start to go off the rails.

“When I expect a conversation to get really heated, I start by acknowledging the conversation will be uncomfortable,” says Douglas. “If either of us needs a time-out, we should respect that. Most importantly, don’t forget they are a person who may have things happening in their life that we don’t know about.”

Everyone processes difficult conversations differently. Feliciano acknowledges that he’s comfortable processing all his emotions in the moment, but that many people are not instant processors. These folks may need to take a break and come back to the conversation later.

Stowe says the key for him is to keep an open mind so he can really hear what the other person is saying. “We often think our way is the best way. It might be,” he says. “But we don’t get there without an opportunity to explore other options and think divergently. One of my favorite quotes is by Zen master Shunryu Suzuki, ‘In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s there are few.’”

At the same time, it’s important to keep the conversation on topic. Stowe has a couple of tricks to achieve that goal.

When someone brings up an issue unrelated to the issue at hand, Stowe will say, “I hear and understand that, but it doesn’t sound related to the topic at hand. Let’s make a note of it and we’ll come back to it.”

He also keeps the focus on how to move beyond whatever has happened. He may ask the individual what they want to see happen, then restate it to make sure they feel heard.

“The work we all do is tough. There are going to be conflicts,” says Stowe. “Whatever the conflict is, a change in the district, the political climate, budgetary constraints or curriculum issues, align around a shared vision for what we want our district to be and approach it with a growth mindset. This is how we build the skills in our students to work through difficult things.